Reinventing Time-Out
by:
Karen Alonge
Parents are often advised to put their
child in time-out as a form of discipline.
While this sure beats the old-fashioned method
of spanking as a behavior management tool, it
still presents a few problems. Not the least
of which is … who’s gonna make him go?
If he refuses, and you pick him up or drag
him over there, haven’t you just resorted to
controlling your child using physical force?
And how much different is that, truly, from
spanking?
I have a proposition for you. Instead of
giving your child a time-out, take one
yourself! After all, YOU are the only person
whose body you can easily move. And your
attention is the ultimate goal of most
misbehaviors.
Imagine this scenario:
Junior konks Baby over the head with a toy.
Giving him a time-out might look like this:
MOM: Junior, go take a time-out for that.
JUNIOR: No! No! I won’t go!!
MOM: Oh yes you will!
And she picks him up and spends the next 10
minutes trying to make him stay on his
time-out chair in the corner, while Baby sits
alone on the floor, watching.
Clever Junior just scored himself 10
minutes of his mother’s undivided attention.
Sure, she might be yelling and angry, but
she’s ALL HIS, and the intensity of her
attempts to control him only make her more
interesting. This is why you sometimes see a
child smirk while being disciplined.
Now try this on for size:
Junior konks Baby over the head with a toy.
Mama, her voice filled with loving concern,
scoops up Baby into her arms and says, “Oh my
goodness, Baby! I can see it is not safe for
you here. Let’s go play in your room for a
while.”
And whisks herself and Baby off to have
loads of fun in his room, while leaving the
instigator alone with his toys. (Of course,
she must still keep an eye on Junior, so she
can’t go too far away.)
This time it didn’t work out so well for
Junior, did it? He learned that if he wants
attention and company, and of course he does,
then he better not hit Baby. And Mama never
had to say a word to him.
Your attention is THE most powerful
reinforcer in your child’s world. Use it
wisely! Lavish it on him when he behaves in
appropriate or kind ways. And turn it to
something else when he does not.
Think of your attention as a watering can –
sprinkle generously on behaviors and attitudes
that you want to thrive, and avoid watering
the weeds. Instead of yelling or giving
negative attention, which is still attention,
turn your focus away from your child and on to
something else until he is behaving
appropriately again. If other kids are
impacted by his behavior, take them with you.
There is always something around at any given
point in time that could benefit from your
attention … a sink full of dishes, the
laundry, phone calls, or a good book.
The inappropriate behavior will wither away
in the drought, and sprouting in its place
will be attempts to gain your attention
through positive means, like apologizing or
making amends. When this happens, water those
gestures generously with praise, smiles, eye
contact, and hugs.
This means the end of lectures, yelling,
fighting, and arguing with your children. Say
goodbye to that sinking feeling of
helplessness when you feel out of control. You
ALWAYS have control of your own attention!
Harness it consciously, and it will serve you
well.
Besides, disciplining in this way is so
much more fun for a parent than yelling! And
kids shouldn’t be the only ones in the family
who get to have fun. You know the old saying …
the family that plays together, stays
together!
Copyright 2005 Karen Alonge
About The Author
Karen Alonge is an intuitive life coach and parenting mentor with 20
years of experience helping families with
all types of challenges. She offers
consultations by phone, email, and IM.
Clients often notice dramatic changes in
their daily experience after only one
session. Please visit
http://www.karenalonge.com for more
information. |
